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The Value of Communicators or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Internet, Part Two


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But what's a propagandist party without friends?


Dare I say it...


Minions?









Most of you know that my writing style is one part dry wit, one part sarcasm and emulsified with no shortage of vinegar. That being said, I wanted to make these two pieces a bit more ridiculous than normal.


The reason for that is pretty simple. We're in a pretty bad place in Alberta politics right now. We've had a long history of "Progressive Conservative" discourse that has steered us away from honesty and into dangerously ideological territory. Now, with the UCP and the advent of social media, the Alberta addiction to lies has only increased.


These are the men (and on occasion women) who not only slake the thirst, but created it and benefit from it in the first place.


It's sort of like the Tobacco Lobby.


We all know how that went, but now instead of the Tobacco Lobby vs. Uncle Sam, Uncle Sam IS the Tobacco Lobby.


Anyways.


It's taken us a few elections, but we've gone from Ralph Klein and The Journal to the UCP and an *actual* legion of highly-paid and dysfunctional press managers. It's an enormous architecture, running directly from the Premier into the infamous "War Room" to all manner of institutions and audiences across every single ministry. It all smells a little bit authoritarian. These are after all not just people who appear to facilitate pressers. They have an omnipresence in our politics, and are well-funded to be there.


A 2019 study out of the American Journal of Economic Perspectives found that despite violence still being the fan favorite, "Authoritarians increasingly seek to create an appearance of good performance, conceal state repression, and imitate democracy."


Seem familiar?


But as I said, Alberta is in a pretty rough place right now. That's why I choose humour. We could rage and rail against the government structure as so many of us have done and be vilified by well-funded idiots, or we can ridicule it.


Call me crazy, but I don't think the social narrative is going to go anywhere without a little ridicule. So until things change, I'll keep my clownderpants. That's a word now. I just made it up.


Now let's get serious.

Meet Blaise!


Man, where to start with this guy? I wanted to call Blaise "Supreme Minion" but unfortunately recent events have not gone according to plan for Mr. Boehmer here.


Currently, Blaise is working for Doug Scheweitzer and the Ministry of Jobs, Economy and Innovation as an unspecified "advisor."


You might remember him from his last job, Press Secretary for Kaycee Madu and the Ministry of Gaslight?


...


I'm sorry it's just been brought to my attention that it's actually called the Ministry of Injustice. I'll have that corrected before I publish this.


It's a great Ministry, full of stellar individuals that most certainly take their job seriously. Here's a perfect example of Kaycee defending Albertans during a massive upsurge in covid-19 cases from the true enemy, The Evil Left.

I think most of us can remember that one, and the totally-fine emergency responses enacted by AHS that crippled our healthcare system's ability to respond to important surgeries not related to covid-19.


Aaaaaand here's Blaise's take:


Well that aged completely fine and was utterly forgotten immediately as I'm sure you remember.


Anyways.


"But where did this strange fellow come from?" I hear you asking. At least I hope I do. I have a sordid history of blunt force trauma.

Neat.


So...let me get this straight. He was the director of communications for Jason during the whole Callaway whatsitcanoodle?


Also pretty neat.


So what does he do for fun?

Well he's into science fiction it looks like. A particularly choice piece in this case, considering present context and the obviously completely-sane folks I run into on Saturday afternoon at the Alberta Legislature talking about the Nuremberg Code and all manner of other totally-normal things.


I wonder if they're exchanging notes?


Anyways.


As for nowadays, it looks like Blaise is spending some time out after he got a little bit agitated at a journalist and blocked half of Edmonton on Twitter (myself included, sad face.).

We'll miss you Blaise, but I'm sure you'll be back with a fresh coat of paint and a new firmware update.



So now let's swap our focus to some of the Lesser Minions.

This is one of my favorites. He's cock-sure and confident, and he's even fairly certain he can read.

I'm sure that's an important pre-requisite as a Press Secretary.


So, I don't know too much about Justin. But he does come across as a bit of a dick.

This is an entertaining piece. He began the thread with the largest solar farm in North America and all The Wonderful Things that clearly had only come from the rectum of one Jason Kenney.


Except in this case that solar farm started four years ago.


Under Notley.


Nice.



Now I know what you want to ask me is "but Albert if Blaise went to the Dark Corner of Doug Schweitzer's office, who's repping for Madu now?"


Well don't sweat it fam, while Blaise nurses his wounds under the cover of darkness a champion has arrived!


From Ontario!


Again!



Formerly working for an Energy Minister under some guy named "Doug Ford."


I don't know who that dude is but he sounds awesome.


And for my last take here is one more!


Straight out of the Buckingham Palace Kindergarten here comes Brian Bateson!


Self-proclaimed "Thatcherite and Monarchist," Bateson works as an unspecified Issues Manager for the Premier of Alberta.


There's a few of them please try to keep up. He seems...unbiased. So what does he do?


Honestly I'm not sure. I think out of the Brock/Matt/Bateson trifecta there's a bit of an imbalanced workload. I can't help but wonder if this is the one they send on Starbucks runs.

Ah, thank god. I was really starting to worry we had another propagandist here. I'll get this struck before I publish don't sweat it.