Jul 17, 2020
In #FiretheUCP Forum
With yard sales finally reopening after COVID closures, Kenney and the gang are eager to get the rest of the province’s infrastructure sold quickly and cheaply. Addressing reporters from the battle bridge of the Canadian Energy Centre, the premier remarks “As we embark on this fruitful journey to mirror the many successes of the American health system by applying their policies in our own, we are asking for the help of everyday Albertans to donate the space needed for these hasty sales. Many of our MLAs are already familiar with the front lawns of their constituents having engaged in some very productive shouting there and so it seems fitting that hard-working Albertans should get to kiss their services goodbye and meet the people who will directly benefit from this financially.” Surrounded by reams of Paul Bunner speeches, the premier appears relaxed. “Look, I have been a career politician ever since that free speech debate at university was unfairly taken from me by that evil archbishop. You can imagine the disappointment of a young, passionate idealist having his dreams for activism on campus quashed by the old, well-worn established order of the Jesuit campus. It was really heartbreaking that they wouldn’t budge on such a crucial issue and so I took my youthful opposition to free speech with me and I left school to begin a new life in politics. I fought my way up from there with all of the focus of a Japanese fighter pilot. This current position as the….as the….of the…” The premier trails off, forgetting momentarily where he is in his storied career. He briefly appears lost, and looks around perhaps for a loved one nearby to finish his sentence. Seeing no one, he stands up and dashes past a command kiosk to the porthole. He peers through the glass. “Ahh, Ole Bluey”. An ordinary Dodge Ram is parked next to the provincial flag rippling nearby. “This current gig has been the best of the lot and I can really let some of my more creative political juices flow. I totally feel like I am politicking at new and exciting levels and Ole Bluey out there guarantees people are going to support me no matter how desperate and weird things become. These hard-working….Albertans, right? I totally get them.” When asked if he was personally going to load up his own truck with critical social fabric for the flash sale currently robbing Albertans of a future, the premier replied that he didn’t like the thought of it getting scratched.